An Unfair Trade
by New Warrior of Fire
Summary: Lady Tsunade has issued a temporary re-assignment of sensei to each team. Team 7, who are fed up with Kakashi's perpetual lateness, are excited about it . . . until they're assigned Gai! OOC for comedy. Warning: Team 6/Gai/Sakura fans should not read this
1. The Switch

It was a sunny summer day in Konoha. All the ninja students were outside, in the same general area. Today was the day they would all train under their respective sensei together. On break, they would be allowed to interact with the members of the other teams. Ichiraku's was sponsoring the event, and so everyone could have free ramen during breaks. Everything was set up and ready to go. All of the sensei were there. Well, all but one.

Team 7 sat alone on the grass as the other teams began. Kakashi hadn't shown up yet, as usual. Sakura, Sasuke and Naruto were quite used to this. Kakashi was always late. They relegated themselves to waiting for him to show up.

Two hours later, when Kakashi STILL hadn't come, the members of team 7 decided to just screw it, and trained with team 8. Kiba, Shino and Hinata were cool, and Kurenai was an okay sensei, but it wasn't really the same.

Finally, dusk fell and everyone but team 7 had gone home. They sat on the grass once more, eating leftover ramen and waiting for Kakashi to come give some explanation for his absence. After a while, Kakashi did show up. He strode up to them in his usual manner. Sakura, Sasuke and Naruto seethed.

"Hey, guys." Kakashi greeted them. "What are you all doing out here?"

Naruto gritted his teeth. "Today was the group training event! Why didn't you show up?!"

"Oh, that was today?" Kakashi said. "I completely forgot. Guys, I'm so sorry."

"Sorry doesn't cut it," Sasuke said bitterly. "We waited for you all day. Why can't you ever be on time?"

Kakashi sighed. "I don't know," he said. "Look, I'll try to make it up to you guys somehow. I'm sorry." And with that, he took off.

Naruto fumed. "Man, I am so sick of this!" he yelled spastically.

"I'll say," growled Sasuke.

Sakura said, "He is completely useless." Naruto and Sasuke turned to stare at her, and the irony of what she'd just said. "What?" she asked.

"We'd be better off with any other sensei," Naruto declared. "Anyone!"

* * *

The next day, everyone assembled outside again. This time, Lady Tsunade had an announcement. And this time, Kakashi was actually there. His team still wasn't speaking to him.

"Attention all ninja students and sensei," Lady Tsunade began. "This week, we have decided to have you experience something unique; something we have never done before. Starting today, all teams will have their sensei changed."

Everyone started buzzing about the last of what she'd said. New sensei! Some ninja seemed excited, but others wore expressions of dread.

Lady Tsunade continued. "This change will last for six days. On the seventh day, each team will return to their original sensei. We think that by doing this, you will learn more about your teams, and about yourselves. I will announce which team goes with which sensei, and the change will begin right now."

This shocked every ninja student and sensei there. Everyone was speechless. Team 7, although unable to speak, looked very happy about the news. Kakashi looked distraught.

Lady Tsunade began reading off a list. "Team 6, you will go with Asuma. Your training will begin immediately." Neji, Ten-ten, and a stricken Lee silently walked to where Team 10 was standing. Shikamaru, Ino and Choji stepped aside.

_Great,_ Asuma thought. _Instead of team glutton, loud-mouth and slacker, I get team bun-head girl, asshole and douche bag. _Sighing, Asuma walked off with his new team.

"Team 10, you will go with Kakashi." Shikamaru, Ino and Choji went over to Kakashi, and the four of them left to begin training. Shikamaru could be seen mouthing "What a drag."

"Team 7, you will go with Gai." Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura all gaped in open-mouthed shock. Lady Tsunade couldn't be serious. They slowly made their way to Gai, who was grinning insufferably at them. Lady Tsunade's voice droned in the background, reading off the other team's sensei. One thing was for sure: This was going to be a long week.


	2. Day 1

Sakura, Sasuke and Naruto were alone with Gai, ready to begin their training. The air was thick with numb disbelief. Naruto held his head in his hands. He was thinking about what he'd said the night before; that any teacher would be better than Kakashi. Now he really regretted it. Gai was even worse, no doubt about it.

"Okay, team 7." Gai said in his smug, drawling voice. "Today, we will get to know each other better. I would like to start with each of you introducing yourselves to me. You will tell me you names, one thing about yourselves, what you think of me as a sensei, and why team 7 is lucky to have you."

He looked eagerly at his new students, who were still horrified at this arrangement. He pointed to Sakura. "Okay, little pink girl. You can go first."

Narrowing her eyes, Sakura began. "My name is Sakura Haruno. One interesting thing about me is my natural sense of beauty." Sasuke snorted, and Naruto suppressed laughter. She went on. "What I think of you as a teacher, Gai-sensei, is that . . . I think that you take some getting used to."

Gai nodded, acknowledging that as an acceptable answer. Naruto and Sasuke rolled their eyes.

"Team 7 is lucky to have me because when things get tough, I get even tougher." At this, Naruto and Sasuke cracked up. They couldn't help it.

Sakura looked dismayed, and Gai said "That's enough of that. Okay you," he pointed at Naruto. "Wise guy. You're up next."

Naruto sighed, then stood up. "My name is Naruto Uzumaki. One thing about me . . . I'd have to say . . . my love of ramen, as a contrast to my hatred of douche bags." After this statement he coughed, and his cough sounded suspiciously like he was saying "Rock Lee."

Gai narrowed his eyes, but didn't say anything. Naruto continued.

"What I think of you, Gai-sensei, as a teacher . . ." he trailed off, trying to think of how to say it without being made to run a hundred laps around Konoha. "I think you're . . . _different_. You know, not like the other sensei."

Grinning cockily, Gai said, "Why, thank you Naruto."

"That wasn't a compliment," Naruto muttered.

"What was that?"

"I said 'you're welcome.' Now, as for why team 7 is lucky to have me . . ." he thought about it for a moment. "Because I never give up! I can do anything. Believe it!"

Gai nodded. "Thank you, Naruto." He turned to Sasuke. "I guess that just leaves you, emo kid."

Sasuke stood up, a dark expression on his face. "My name is Sasuke Uchiha. One thing about me is that I don't like to talk about myself. Team 7 is not 'lucky' to have me. I say this because I don't believe in luck. I believe that you are what you make yourself, and I have made myself the best. That's good for them, I suppose."

"I see," Gai said. "And what do you think of me as a sensei?"

Sasuke's expression went even darker. "I think that your conduct is suspicious, and that it's not in my best interest to be too physically close to you."

Naruto gaped. He agreed with Sasuke, but he was surprised that Sasuke was willing to say it in that many words. He hoped that it would not come back to bite them in the ass.

Gai said, "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way!" Sasuke sat back down. He muttered "Stupid Goths. You're all the same."

Sasuke gritted his teeth, suppressing the urge to throw every kunai he had at the asshole in front of him. Gai said, "Well, I guess it's time I introduced myself." He smiled at them smugly. "My name is Gai. One thing about me is that I like kids."

Leaning over to Naruto, Sasuke muttered "Yeah. _Really_ likes kids." They both snickered to themselves.

Gai, who either didn't notice or chose not to do anything about it, continued. "What I think of myself is that I am one fine specimen, no doubt about that. Team 7 is lucky to have me because, well, let's face it, I'm a _much _better sensei than Kakashi."

This time, all of team 7 glared furiously at Gai. Bragging like an asshole was one thing, but tearing down their sensei was going too far. By now, everyone could see that this was not going to be a pleasant week.


	3. Day 2

**Day 2: **It was after breakfast, and time for the ninja students to begin their training for the day. Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto were dreading seeing Gai. Nonetheless, they assembled in his training room on time. When they arrived, Gai wasn't there yet.

"Look's like the senior douche bag's late," Naruto observed.

Sasuke snorted. "Let's hope he doesn't show up at all."

Right on cue, Gai came swaggering through the door.

"Sorry I'm late, team." He said. "I just got back from my morning marathon. Yes sir, if you three are lucky, by the end of this week you will be well on your way to becoming just as amazing as I am." He paused to give them his usual asshole-ish grin.

Team 7 rolled their eyes. Gai, who was so caught up in his self-righteous monologue, didn't even notice. He went on.

"Before we begin, have any of you seen little Konohamaru? I wanted to see the little squirt."

They all shook there heads. Gai continued.

"Today, we will focus on team building. The goal is to transform ourselves from three misguided ninja and one devilishly handsome sensei to a team of well-oiled fighting machines."

"Shoot me," Naruto said under his breath.

"I'll have already shot myself," Sasuke muttered in return.

Gai said, "We'll start with a basic exercise. First up, trust hugs."

"Don't you mean trust falls?" Sakura asked.

"No, Sakura. 'Trust hugs' is the name of an exercise I came up with. It's easy enough. If you trust someone, you hug them."

"That's it?" Naruto asked.

Gai nodded. "You better know it. I'll start. Since you're my team, I trust all of you. Come here!" Before the three ninja could run away, he forcibly bear-hugged them. The pedophilic hug lasted about three seconds before Team 7 shoved away."

"Sick! What's that smell?!" Naruto screamed.

"Why that, Naruto, is my cologne."

Sasuke scoffed. "What's it called? 'Essence of Pedophile'?"

Gai frowned at him. "For your information, Sasuke, it's called 'Essence of I'm a Better Sensei than Kakashi So You Can Just get over it'."

Before the ass nugget could blink, Sasuke slugged him in the gut, causing him to double over and breathe heavily.

As soon as he was back on his feet, Gai yelled "You little bastard! I-I mean, time for the next part of the exercise." He turned to Naruto. "Okay, now you hug Sasuke."

"Okay. Give me a hug, Sasuke!" Naruto zeroed in on Sasuke, who did a rapid series of finger-weaves.

"Fire style! Fireball . . ."

Naruto put his hands up defensively, but Sasuke turned to Gai at the last minute.

" . . . Juutsu!" With the power of an erupting volcano, Sasuke breathed out an enormous ball of fire at Gai, narrowly (but intentionally) missing .

"That does it, Uchiha!" Gai thundered. "For that little stunt, you can run five hundred laps around Konoha. And I DON'T MEAN LATER!!!"

In a lightning-fast move, Sasuke grabbed Gai by his collar, forced him against the wall and put a Kunai to his throat.

"How about you try to make me hug Naruto again?" he asked darkly.

Gai glared at Sasuke, but there was fear in his eyes.

"You know what? I think we've had enough team building for the day."

Sasuke cracked a smirk. "Good man." And with that, he released him.

* **

Three hours later, Naruto and Sasuke met up in the streets of Konoha.

Naruto said, "I think I'm gonna file for sexual harassment. I can't believe he made us hug him. On the upside, you smell pretty fresh after that third shower, Sasuke."

Sasuke shuddered. "I'll never be able to wash the creepy feeling away."

"I know, right? I scrubbed my skin raw." He pushed his sleeves up to reveal welts across his arms.

Just then, Konohamaru walked up to them. "Hey, Boss, you want to-"

"Get out of here while you can, Konohamaru!" Naruto yelled. "Whatever you do, stay away from Bushier Brow! He's looking for you."

Konohamaru looked confused "Wha . . .? Why does he want me?"

"He wants to hurt you! I'm sure of it!"

Terrified, Konohamaru ran away screaming. Naruto wasn't sure, but by the looks of it he had wet his pants.

Naruto and Sasuke looked at each other sadly. When Gai had dismissed them earlier, they'd had a conference and agreed that they should apologize to Kakashi for stiffing him. After all, he was the best sensei they'd ever had, even if he was a total flake. Unfortunately, they had been forbidden by Gai to talk to Kakashi until the switch was over. So they had devised the perfect way to apologize.

"Did you give Kakashi-sensei the apology pie?" Sasuke asked.

Naruto nodded. "I delivered it to his doorstep. Now all we have to do is watch to make sure he gets it."

The two ninja crouched in the bushes in front of Kakashi's house, waiting. They waited for several minutes before anything happened. But it wasn't Kakashi who got the pie.

It was Choji.

"Hey, a pie!" Choji exclaimed. It was frosted and written on it were the words 'Love, Naruto'. He grabbed the pie and ran inside the house.

Naruto jumped up and screamed, "Hey, that's not for you, fat ass!"

But it was too late. By then, he and Shikamaru were already eating the pie. No sooner had each of them taken a bite then they spit it out.

"Gross! It's charred as hell!" Choji yelled.

Shikamaru shouted, "This pie tastes like a monkey's ass crack!"

Sasuke and Naruto sweatdropped. "Guess we shouldn't have burned it," Naruto noted.

Sighing, Sasuke said "We'd better get the hell out of here." The two ninja took off, cursing their failure.


	4. Day 3

Team 7 was lounging in the common room, doing nothing of any real importance. Gai, who was ignoring them, walked in and picked something up off the counter. It was a picture of his real team; team 6. Ten-ten was smiling her usual background-character smile, Neji was rolling his eyes like an asshole and Lee had little anime rivers of tears pouring down his cheeks. Gai was standing behind them, wearing his signature smug grin.

"My team must have left this behind," he said to himself, not knowing or caring how creepy he sounded talking to himself. "They must really miss me. After all, they had the best sensei in the Hidden Leaf Village." Smiling to himself, he started to walk away.

"Hey, where are you going?" Naruto demanded.

Frowning, he turned to his 'team'. "I'm going to return this picture to my team. You know, my _real_ team."

Naruto snorted. "Oh don't try to bullshit us. You're just going so you can see your precious trio of perfect little uptight ass-kissers."

"That's not true, Naruto. They really miss me, and they need me."

"Whatever," Sasuke muttered. "But since you're visiting your team, say hello to the devil for me."

Gai glared at him. "And just who would that be?!" he asked angrily.

Sasuke scoffed. "Satan. Geez, don't you know who the devil is?" At this, Naruto started laughing hysterically. It wasn't long before he was rolling around on the ground with mirth.

"Shouldn't you be training, delinquents?!" Gai spat.

"Shouldn't you be training us?" Sasuke asked.

Gai sputtered for a minute. "Fine! I'll train you little insubordinate ass wipes when I get back!" And with that, Gai stormed off, leaving team 7 to enjoy their victory.

* * *

An hour later, team 7 was outside with Gai, ready to begin their training. Gai started with another of his smuggy, pre-practice speeches.

"Okay, team. Yesterday we began team building. And there's nothing that gives you that fuzzy feeling like a hug from Yours Truly."

"Oh, you mean that creepy, tingly feeling?" Naruto asked. "I spent two hours with a toothbrush and a bottle of dish soap trying to get rid of it."

Gai narrowed his eyes. "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, for both our sakes."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Naruto said. He cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted "I SPENT TWO HOURS-"

Gai ran up to Naruto and punched him in the face, sending him flying back. "That's enough!" he yelled.

Naruto sat straight up, his face red and his eyes blazing. "All right, soup bowl, you're gonna pay for that." He stood up and started finger-weaving. But before he could even call his Juutsu, Gai started talking.

"Fine, team building is canceled for the day, since you weenies can't handle it." Then Gai sighed and his expression suddenly softened. "Maybe I've been too hard on you. I guess I can't hold it against you too much. After all, it's not your fault you were taught wrong."

At this, Team 7 glared at him, barely holding back their anger. He continued.

"I think all you guys need is a lesson in playing well with others." He turned to Naruto and Sasuke. "I want you guys to hang out with Lee today. After all, he's the best student I know. He's easy to get along with, so you guys shouldn't have any trouble."

"What?!" Naruto cried. "But he's a . . ."

Gai cut him off. "I know you've had friction in the past, but trust me, this is what you guys need."

Naruto sighed, thinking that at least he didn't actually have to be with Gai. Sasuke, who seemed to be thinking the same thing, growled quietly, a resigned expression on his face.

Gai continued. "I'll contact Lee and tell him to meet you in the common room at noon." He turned to Sakura. "Sakura, you come with me. I have the perfect training for you in my office." And with that, Gai and Sakura left, leaving Naruto and Sasuke to their unwanted fate.

* * *

It was twelve-thirty, and Naruto and Sasuke were still in the common room waiting for Lee. They were starting to get aggravated, especially Naruto. Sasuke sighed, then walked up the stairs to get something.

Naruto was really pissed. He thought Kakashi was bad about being on time. But that little bowl-headed weenie . . . he stomped over to the bottom of the stairs.

"Hey! Hey Sasuke!" he called. "When's Douchy McDouchebag gonna show up?"

"I don't know, Naruto." He called back. "Why don't you turn around and ask him?"

Shocked, Naruto slowly turned his head toward the door.

Lee was standing in the doorway, wearing a hurt expression.

"Did you just call me a douche bag?" he asked in a small, weak voice.

Naruto didn't want Lee to go telling Gai that he'd been rude to him. After all, he was being graded on this. "No, of course not," Naruto assured him. "I was talking about someone else."

Lee looked relieved. "Oh, that is good. I did not want you to think that I was a douche bag."

"Yeah, that's your name, don't wear it out." Naruto muttered.

"What did you say?" Lee asked.

"I said you're a dou-" Naruto cut himself off. "I said 'come in'."

Smiling, Lee walked in. Sasuke had reappeared, and his dread was etched on his face. Sighing, Naruto closed the door behind them, cursing Gai.

"So, what do you want to do, Lee?" Naruto asked.

Lee said, "I would like to go to the park. It is such a nice day."

Sasuke started to protest, but Naruto quickly said "Sounds great." And with that, they were off.

* * *

Thirty minutes later, the three of them reached the Konoha park. During the walk over, they had actually been able to make conversation. Before they knew it, they were talking with Lee as if they didn't even hate him. It was almost like he was a regular person.

Lee said, "You know, you two seem all right. I do not know why Gai-sensei says the things he says about you."

Sasuke looked at him sharply. "What does he say about us?"

"That you are disturbed people, so you act like delinquents for attention." Lee said causally.

"What?!" Naruto screamed. "YOU TELL THAT ASSHOLE--" he cut himself off, then through gritted teeth said, "Tell him that I appreciate his opinion." Sasuke looked at him sympathetically. He knew it wasn't easy.

"This is really fun," Lee said. "Why do we not hang out more often?"

Naruto said, "Well, maybe if you didn't always act like you were better than me and Sasuke-"

"That is right," Lee cut him off. "It is because I am too busy training, because I train way more than you and Sasuke."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sasuke asked.

"I do not mean to imply that there is any moral deficiency on your part," Lee said quickly. "In fact, I feel that I have an unfair advantage over you."

"Really?" Naruto asked. "And that would be . . .?"

"My sensei is far superior to yours."

Both Naruto and Sasuke glared at him, their eyes blazing. Sasuke let out a low growl behind his gritted teeth. Then Naruto saw him reach into his shirt, where his kunai were kept.

Naruto looked away from Lee and locked his eyes onto Sasuke. _Holy shit,_ Naruto thought. _He's gonna do it. He's gonna pop the douche bag!_

Sasuke's hand emerged from his shirt, but instead of kunai he was holding his wallet. He took out a few hundred yen and set them on the table in front of Lee. "Hey, Lee, how about you get us something to drink? Like . . . a couple of those chocolate sodas."

Lee, who was oblivious to the rage Naruto and Sasuke were suppressing, just smiled and said "Okay! I will be right back." And so he took the money and walked off.

As soon as Lee was out of earshot, Naruto turned to Sasuke. "Okay, Sasuke, you and I both know you hate that chocolate piss."

"Yeah," Sasuke said. "Let's ditch him."

"Right behind you." And the two ninja took off.

* * *

One hour later, Naruto and Sasuke had gotten far away from the park. They were lying out in a grassy field a few miles away from Konoha, staring out at the clouds and thinking about their sensei.

"This sucks," Naruto said. "I can't believe this is happening. How are we going to stick this week out?"

"How do you think Kakashi's doing?" Sasuke asked.

Meanwhile . . . .

"A diet?!" Choji screamed at Kakashi in outrage.

Kakashi sighed. "Not a diet, Choji. I just think you should exchange some of your regular snacks for healthier ones."

Shikamaru, who was painting a fence a few meters away, asked "Can I stop now? I've already put three coats on."

"Hey, come on, guys." Kakashi told them. "It's better than being lazy and chubby."

"What?!" Shikamaru and Choji shouted in unison. In a flash of finger-weaves, Shikamaru cried "Shadow-bind Juutsu!" Kakashi was immediately bound by Shikamaru's shadow. He struggled against the Chunin's Juutsu, but it was no use.

Shikamaru yelled "Now, Choji!"

Choji jumped Kakashi and wrestled his paralyzed body to the ground. He tore Kakashi's mask off his face and started shoving hundred-calorie snack cakes into Kakashi's mouth. "Eat healthy, Kakashi! Live a healthy lifestyle! Here's a low-fat slimjim Kakashi. Snap into it! SNAP INTO THIS MOTHER FUCKING SLIMJIM!!"

Back in the field . . . .

Naruto sighed. "He can't possibly be doing worse than us."


	5. Day 4

The next day, Naruto and Sasuke were in the mess hall, eating breakfast together. Training hadn't started yet, but unfortunately it would start in a few minutes. They were discussing ways they could apologize to Kakashi.

Naruto sighed. "Well, we already tried making him a pie."

Sasuke scoffed. "That worked about as well as the time Kakashi-sensei tried to drink a glass of kool-aid with his mask on."

"There's gotta be another way," Naruto said. "We can't be out of ideas already."

Sasuke went quiet for minute, apparently lost in thought. He finally said "We could hire a messenger. You know, someone who isn't banned from talking to him."

"That's a great idea!" Naruto exclaimed with his usual spastic energy. "Now the only question is who do we ask?" The two ninja looked around the mess hall for potential messengers.

Naruto's eyes fell on Shino, who was sitting directly behind him. Grinning, Naruto shouted "Hey Shino! Want to be a messenger for me and Sasuke?"

Shino turned to face him, his expression blank and unchanging as usual. "And why the hell would I do that?"

Naruto said "Well, why the hell wouldn't you do that?"

"I can think of a few good reasons," Shino said.

"Oh yeah?" Naruto challenged. "Like what?"

Shino scoffed. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe the time you poured honey down my jacket to 'feed the bugs'."

"Fine!" Naruto yelled. "I'll ask someone else." He furiously looked around, and this time his eyes met Kiba's. Kiba was sitting two tables away, eating his breakfast alone.

Naruto ran up to him. "Hey, Kiba, wanna be a messenger? Sasuke and I could really use a guy like you."

Narrowing his eyes, Kiba said "I'm not really interested."

"Aw, why not?!" the spastic blond ninja demanded.

Kiba said "Gee, it couldn't have anything to do with the time you poured honey down my jacket to 'feed Akamaru'."

"Yeah?!" Naruto yelled. "Well WHO THE FUCK ASKED YOU?!" Naruto stomped back to his table and sat down next to Sasuke. "He's not interested," Naruto told him.

Sasuke rolled his eyes. This was getting them nowhere. "Maybe I should do the asking from now on," he suggested.

Before Naruto could offer a reply, the bell sounded. It was time for morning training. Naruto groaned, and Sasuke sighed deeply. The two ninja were now in for their morning hellfest with Gai.

***

Naruto and Sasuke met up with Sakura in the outdoor training area. Shortly after that, the smug jumpsuit-clad asshole sensei strode in, looking remarkably like Richard Gere, if Richard Gere was a 300-pound douche with a bowl cut.

"Good morning, team." Gai drawled, submerged in his usual morning cloud of delusional smugness. "Today we're going to do some cross-training. For cross-training, I always have my team do the single best form of aerobic activity there is: Dancing!"

"Aw, fuck." Sasuke said under his breath. Naruto couldn't agree more.

Gai continued. "The first step is, I'm gonna teach you how to dance. Watch me closely." Gai proceeded to perform a series of dance moves that were disgusting and provocative to the point of receiving an R-rating. He finished with a pelvic thrust, then fell to his knees and tore his vest open, revealing his repulsive, hairy chest.

Sakura, who had been pretty quiet in her uselessness so far, said "Gai-sensei, that's disgusting! We can't do those moves. We're only twelve."

Naruto muttered "There's no age where that display would ever stop being disgusting."

Gai, who either hadn't heard or had chosen to ignore Naruto, said "Well, that's what it's gonna take if you three want a body like mine." He smiled, looking amazing like a child molester.

"Wow, I just found the perfect reason not to." Sasuke said darkly.

"That's too bad, 'cause your ass looks huge in those shorts!" Gai said, relishing his cheap shot.

For a moment, Sasuke's eyes blazed with what looked like a homicidal inclination, then he suddenly cracked a smile and said, "Yeah, I'll bet you've been looking."

Gai sputtered for a moment, completely flustered. He looked like he was about to take a dive at Sasuke when Sakura intervened.

"Gai-sensei, I think what Sasuke means is that it wouldn't be appropriate." She said.

"Well, then, I guess these dance costumes are out of the question." Gai held up three skimpy unitards that were sequined, see-through and covered in pink glitter.

Team 7 was shocked and disgusted, but none so much so as Naruto.

"Listen, you sociopathic sex-offender," Naruto said. "I have half a mind to kick you in the balls!"

Gai asked, "Half a mind? No wonder you suck as a ninja!" He laughed at his own joke.

Naruto tried to jump Gai, but Sasuke held him back. He ground his teeth as Gai continued.

"You're lucky I'm even training you at all," Gai continued, looking smugger by the minute. "I could just send you to the medical wing to clean up the medical waste. Do you really want to spend your day scrubbing bedpans and popping the crusty old douche bags?"

"YES!!" Naruto shrieked, struggling against Sasuke's hold on him. "That's exactly what I want to do! STAB A CRUSTY OLD DOUCHEBAG!!!" By now, Sasuke was struggling to hold his spastic teammate back.

"Fine!" Gai told him. "You three can spend the rest of the day in the medical wing. Have fun cleaning up piss and shit!"

"WE WILL!!" Naruto shouted. He stopped struggling, and Sasuke let him go.

Just then, Asuma walked by. "Hey, Asuma," Gai called. "How is it working with the best team in Konoha?"

Asuma, who had been assigned to team 6, said, "Well, Gai, I don't know. You'd have to ask whoever got the best team."

Team 7 chuckled at this, and Gai narrowed his eyes. "Asuma, I can't do anything with Kakashi's delinquents. I need you to take them to the medical wing so that they can spend their day doing menial tasks. Maybe that'll teach them."

"Sure, Gai." Asuma said. "Do you want me to pick up your dry cleaning and unclog your toilet while I'm at it?"

"That won't be necessary," Gai said. He sighed deeply. "I miss _my_ team. They were so hard-working, unlike these three loafs. Or that slacker Shikamaru."

Asuma's expression darkened. He was not about to let the biggest retard in the Hidden Leaf Village bag on his team. "At least my team puts their waste in the toilet, which is more than I can say for your team, Gai."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Gai demanded.

"Please," Asuma scoffed. "That Lee kid pisses himself so much, I'd think you made it a training exercise!"

Gai's face turned red. "For your information, I HAVE made it a training exercise, so you can shut your smoking, cancerous mouth!" And with that, he stormed off.

Asuma shook his head as he watched Gai leave. "Ugh. I need a smoke." He turned to Team 7. "So you're the poor suckers who got stuck with Gai, eh? Tough break. How's the week been treating you?"

"It's a fate worse than death," Sasuke said.

"Can't argue with that," Naruto said. "He's such a . . ."

"Douche bag?" Asuma offered. "Yeah, I've been having a rough week, too. I mean, it's not like I got Gai, but things aren't the same without having my team around." He sighed. "I sure miss those kids."

"Yeah, you even used some of Shikamaru's best lines on Gai back there." Naruto said.

Asuma chuckled to himself. "Well, I guess I'd better take you three to the medical wing. Let's go."

* * *

And so team 7 spent the rest of their training for the day in the medical wing treating the academy students' minor injuries, most of which had been incurred by taking Gai's training suggestions.

"But Gai-sensei told me to punch the tree," a little boy said while Sasuke wrapped his hand with gauze.

Sasuke scoffed. "If he told you to piss your pants, would you do that, too?"

"No," the little boy said.

"Good," Sasuke told him. "You don't want to be like Gai's team. I think you've learned your lesson about that today, Shun." He finished wrapping the kid's arm.

Shun held up his wrapped hand, admiring Sasuke's work. "Thank you," he said.

"Now what do we take away from this experience?" Sasuke asked him.

Shun replied "Gai-sensei is a douche bag."

"That's right. Now go finish your training." Sasuke watched as the little boy ran off. _What a fucking asshole Gai is,_ Sasuke thought. _How the hell did he become a Jonin? Come to think of it, how did he get to be a Genin?_


	6. Day 5

Naruto and Sasuke walked out of the mess hall together. Breakfast was over, and Naruto was sure he'd rather kill himself than have another training session with Gai. Sighing, he turned to Sasuke and asked, "Hey, Sasuke, have you seen the douche bag?"

Sasuke looked at him sharply. "No! I haven't seen Lee. What makes you think I have?"

"Huh? I was talking about Gai."

"Oh," Sasuke looked away. "Hell if I know. It doesn't matter, anyway. We have afternoon training with Gai today."

"Really?" Naruto asked. "That means that we have the whole morning off! We can finally do something fun. What do you want to do, Sasuke?"

Sasuke said "Anything's fine with me. I'm just glad to be rid of Richard Gere's douchy twin for a few hours."

"You said it." Naruto grinned broadly. "Freedom feels so good. I wanna do something wild! We should go out and paint the town!"

"Or we could just catch a movie," Sasuke suggested.

"Yeah!" Naruto said. "But all the movies playing right now run at least three hours. You think we'll be back in time for training?"

Sasuke snorted. "Frankly, I could give a shit less."

"You're right. Let's get out of here."

* * *

Half an hour later, the two Genin took their seats in the uppermost row of the theater. They'd decided to see a comedy called _Sensei Must Die_. It was about a man named Kai, who was supposed to teach a group of three twelve-year-olds to be Samurai, but he was a total douche bag and none of them could stand him. Somehow, Naruto and Sasuke could relate.

About two hours into the movie, Naruto thought he recognized someone who was sitting right in front of them. He nudged Sasuke. "Hey, Sasuke." He whispered.

"What?" Sasuke hissed. "The movie was just getting good."

"Look at that guy right in front of us. Isn't that . . .?"

"Kabuto?" Sasuke said. "Yeah, it is. And who's that sitting next to him?"

Naruto's eyes bugged out when he saw who it was. "Orochimaru!" he cried in a sharp whisper. He started to stand up, but Sasuke pulled him back down. "Wait," he said. "We don't want to cause these people to panic."

"You're right," Naruto said. He took a kernel of popcorn and threw it at the back of Kabuto's head. Kabuto didn't even notice.

"Dammit," Naruto muttered. He asked Sasuke "Hey, do you still have your coke?"

"Yeah, but it's just ice now . . ."

"Perfect." Naruto grabbed Sasuke's coke cup and poured its icy contents down the back of Kabuto's shirt, causing him to jump up and scream "SON OF A BITCH!!"

Everyone in the theater turned to glare at Kabuto. Embarrassed, Kabuto shoved two handfuls of popcorn into his mouth and sat back down. When everyone turned back around, Kabuto whirled around furiously to face Naruto.

"What the fuck did you do that for?!" Kabuto hissed, spraying semi-chewed popcorn in every direction.

"What the fuck are _you _doing?!" Naruto demanded. "You have some explaining to do!"

Kabuto glared even harder. "I'm watching a movie. What the FUCK does it look like I'm doing, jackass?!"

Naruto stood up and screamed "I KNOW YOU'RE WATCHING A MOVIE!! THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, DICKFACE!!!"

Suddenly, the usher came charging toward Naruto. He shined his flashlight in Naruto's face like a total asshole, then threw Naruto and Sasuke out.

* * *

Outside the theater, Naruto said "This is really bad. We have to do something!"

Sasuke sighed. "There's not much we can do without causing a mass panic. We have to go and report this to Lady Tsunade right away."

"Good idea! Grandma Tsunade will know what to do."

Naruto and Sasuke were just about to set off when they heard a drawling voice behind them. "And just where do you think you're going?"

They both turned to see ugliness staring them in the face. It was Gai. One look at his smug, douchy assface caused them to immediately forget everything they'd seen at the theater.

"Oh, fuck." The two Genin muttered in unison.

* * *

Before they knew it, Naruto and Sasuke were back in the training area with Sakura and Gai.

Gai said, "Okay, team. Today we're going to . . ."

After that, Naruto and Sasuke, who didn't speak smug asshole, only heard a faint droning with a few phrases thrown in. They heard bhbmbhmbhmbhmmmbhbbhh " . . . better than Kakashi . . ." bhbmbhmbhmbhmmmbhbbhh ". . . no pain no gain . . ." bhbmbhmbhmbhmmmbhbbhh . . . " . . . which is why I'm so . . ."

Suddenly, Naruto felt sharp stinging in his arm. It was Sakura, who had decided to pinch him like the raging bitch she was. "Will you pay attention?!" she hissed. Naruto was about to reply when he heard the last of whatever Gai was saying.

" . . . and since knife-throwing is sweaty work, you shouldn't dress too heavily."

Naruto glared at him. "What, you want to spend the day staring at a bunch of half-naked twelve-year-olds?"

"What?! No!" Gai said. "I just thought that-"

"That sweat is hot?" Naruto asked sharply.

Gai said "Well, yes- I mean, no!"

"YOU PREY ON KIDS!!" The spastic blond screamed.

"Arrggggg!" Gai yelled, thoroughly frustrated.

Naruto said, "Oh, I'm sorry, captain. You want me to walk the plank?"

"Just throw the damn kunai!!" Gai screamed at him.

Rolling his eyes, Naruto drew his first kunai. Before he could throw it, Sakura stepped up and threw hers. It missed the tree by more than a meter.

Gai shook his head. "Sorry to break it to you, Sakura, but that throw sucked ass." He turned to Naruto. "You're up."

Drawing a deep breath, Naruto took aim at the tree and threw. The tip of the kunai struck deep into the tree, missing the center of the target by a mere few centimeters.

"Not bad, for one of Kakashi's students." Gai drawled. Naruto was about to ask how a cross-eyed ass ferret like him could even throw a kunai, when he heard a solid _thump _against the tree.

Sasuke had thrown his kunai. It was stuck into the dead center of the target. The raven-haired ninja smirked, thinking there was nothing Gai could say about that throw.

But of course, a smug, demeaning line was inevitable. Gai said, "That was actually pretty good. You know, except for how slow that draw was." He sighed wistfully, ignoring Sasuke's glare. "I just wish you guys could be more like . . ."

"Lee?" Sasuke interrupted. "Personally, I don't want to be like Lee. Trust me, no one would want to be Lee right now."

"Huh? I was talking about Ten-ten." Sasuke turned away quickly, thinking to himself that he shouldn't talk about Lee so much. He started to draw his next kunai, but it fell out of his hand. Sasuke bent over to pick it up.

Gai gave a creepy chuckle. "Ooh, I see London, I see France." He taunted. Sasuke spun around and faced him, his face burning. Before Gai could even react, Sasuke threw the kunai he was holding, slicing his asshole sensei in the arm. The douche bag stumbled backwards and fell against a nearby tree.

Sakura, who was standing nearby holding a kunai as usual, cried "Sasuke!"

Naruto joined in the brawl by throwing a star at Gai. The star stuck into Gai's sleeve and pinned him to the tree.

"Naruto!" The useless pink-haired ninja cried.

By then, Sasuke had drawn several more knives and stars and was throwing them at Gai. Naruto followed suit, and pretty soon Gai was completely pinned to the tree by his sleeves and pant legs.

"Enough!" Gai yelled.

Everything immediately went still. "Put down your weapons. Now." He said.

"Give me one good reason." Sasuke said.

"Because I won't have to report you if I'm dead!" Gai responded.

Team 7 slowly set down their arms. Gai managed to remove enough of the blades to get away from the tree.

"The three of you make me sick!" Gai said. "What sort of undisciplined excuse for a team would attack their teacher in the middle of training?!"

"It's just like you said before." Naruto said. "We're not your _real_ team."

"Well, we'll just see about that." Gai replied. "Since you children don't know how to work together with me, you'll have to learn."

Team 7 glanced around at each other, knowing Gai couldn't be planning anything good.

"No one has anything to say to that, huh?" Gai said. "Training is dismissed for now, but I'll see you all right here at 9:30 tonight. And you'll all get the chance to earn the right to be part of my team."

Gai left his pissed-of students to gather up their weapons.

* * *

That night, team 7 followed Gai into a remote location in the woods. Gai started a campfire and motioned for them to sit down.

"Okay team," he said. "I know we've had some dysfunction in the last few days. That's why I've called you here for this special exercise. We are going to build trust as a team, by sharing our deepest, darkest secrets."

Naruto felt Sasuke's body tense next to him. Sasuke breathed out hard, and for a second Naruto thought it sounded like he said "Lee." Sakura looked like she was going to piss herself.

Gai continued. "This is something I've done with my team. It was amazing how close we grew that night. I hope that we, too, can build trust and ease some of the animosity that has been plaguing our team." He paused to grin at them. "Who wants to start?"

To everyone's surprise, Sakura raised her hand. "I will start, Gai-sensei." She sighed deeply. "This isn't my real hair color. I dye it so it will look better than Ino's hair."

"Shocker," Naruto muttered.

Gai said, "Well, that's the most boring thing I've ever heard. Okay, Naruto. You're next."

Naruto thought hard for a minute. "Well . . . secretly, I hate curry. I think anyone who actually eats curry and enjoys it is a total douche bag."

"Well, I'd have to disagree with you there, Naruto." Gai said. "Curry happens to be Lee's favorite food."

"I rest my case," Naruto said under his breath.

Gai glared at him, then said "I guess I'll go next." He stood up, wearing a huge douchy grin. "I have to warn you that my secret is pretty epic. It's not for the faint of heart."

Naruto narrowed his eyes. _Here we go. He's better than Kakashi for whatever reason._

Sasuke thought, _What, is he going to tell us that he eats his own shit or something?_

_Oh, brother._ Sakura thought.

Gai proclaimed "I eat my own shit!" He grinned, his confidence unwavering.

It took a minute for this to sink in. But when it did, team 7 fell to the ground, crying and choking with laughter. Sakura actually pissed herself.

"Shut up!" Gai shrieked. "It's-NOT-funny! I happen to be the toughest devil in this village!"

"Yeah, you're the devil all right." Sasuke said, laughing the whole time.

"You think you have something better?!" Gai yelled. "Let's hear it then!"

Then Sasuke fell silent and everything surrounding followed.

"Well, you'd better sit down then, Sensei." He said darkly.

Everyone was seated and Sasuke began. "Yesterday, I did something that I promised myself I would never tell anyone about. Something vengeful."

Everyone listened intently as Sasuke continued.

"It all started with Rock Lee. We all know Lee has distorted ideas about superiority. But this time he went to far.

_That's right. _Naruto thought_. Sasuke's been acting so strange lately-about Lee._

"He insulted me, my teammates and my Sensei, Kakashi. Sasuke said distantly. "I just wanted to ring that bastard's neck. But I had a better idea."

Sasuke's expression suddenly became dark and twisted.

"I waited until night fell when everybody was asleep, everyone but Lee. I found him, all alone, it looked like he was making brownies. I broke in while his guard was down. Then silently moved up behind him to finish what I'd started."

Naruto didn't understand. He'd never before seen Sasuke act this way, or Gai for that matter.

Gai was pale and trembling all over.

Sasuke's face grew darker still. "'_Gai-sensei will be so happy_.' That's the last thing I ever heard him say. The score was settled, I'd done what I wanted."

It was terrifying to have to listen to.

"Sasuke…" Naruto said.

"Don't worry though Gai, I wasn't careless." Sasuke said. "I found a nice ditch to do away with the evidence."

The listeners were in shock, but none so much as Gai.

"You sick son of a bitch." Gai practically whispered. "What did you do?!"

Sasuke wore a depraved smile as he loudly said "I put a laxative in his brownie mix. Little bitch never saw it coming!"

The feeling of terror almost instantly shifted to relief.

"You had really me goin' there Sasuke." Naruto said.

For Gai however, it shifted to anger.

"Did he have little pink hearts in his eyes when he was making them?" Gai asked stiffly.

"Yeah, why?" Sasuke said.

"THOSE BROWNIES WERE FOR ME!" Gai yelled. "I spent the better of two hours shiting my guts out!"

"Well, at least you didn't have to go hungry." Sasuke said, sending his team mates into uncontrollable laughter.

Now Gai was severely pissed off. "That's enough!" He shouted. "You little kiddies can just run along, 'cause I've got a lot of shit on my plate!"

Team 7 fell to the ground, nearly suffocating from laughter. As Gai stormed away, Naruto just barely managed to shriek "Enjoy your meal!"


	7. Day 6

The morning that followed was the best team 7 had had in days. The burning hysteria having been followed by a night of watching TV with food and drinks, and going to sleep the next morning, was really what they had needed.

The sun was beginning to rise, the air was lightly cool and it was still early.

Naruto and Sasuke had both woken up in the common room, which was in ruins from the night before.

"That was some party, huh Sasuke?" Naruto asked.

"It was worth it." Sasuke said.

They both went home to get cleaned up before breakfast. The morning went along as usual, but since the day's training was scheduled to be in a few hours' time, the question arose as to Gai's whereabouts.

"He didn't forget." Sasuke said. "Unfortunately for us, the last thing Gai would forget about is training. On the other hand, he might still be eating breakfast."

"That's weird." Naruto said. "I heard he'd be in the bathroom a while."

Sasuke smirked. "Maybe he's multitasking." They both cracked up at this. It was hard to believe that even Gai was stupid enough to tell Kakashi's students a secret like he had told them.

When the three of them showed up for training, Gai was nowhere to be found. No one was.

"Hey, maybe we'll get the day off after all." Sakura said.

"I wouldn't count on it." Naruto said. Gai was walking over.

"Sorry I'm late students." Gai said. "But I was at support group. Lady Tsunade seems to think that my 'obsession with annoying Kakashi' is unhealthy." Gai scoffed. "Ridicules."

"Please." Sasuke said. "You'd kill yourself right here if he said he didn't like the color red."

"You're damn right, I would." Gai said defiantly. "Now I've made a new rule for our little training sessions together. The three of you will shut the fuck up and do whatever I tell you, or I'll flunk all three of you. That's what it means to be on a team."

All of team 7 looked pretty pissed off.

"Don't look so upset." Gai drawled. "I'm the most qualified of anyone to be in charge here. I train every day from dawn till dusk, taking any chance and every risk. And it pays off."

Naruto was thoroughly disgusted. Gai thought that just being a reckless jackass and pulling whatever pointless dangerous stunt that came into his head made him superior.

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Douche bag trains hard." He said.

"Well, 'douche bag' doesn't train as hard as me!" Gai said triumphantly.

"Now all of you assume the lotus position, we're going to reflect on this week's training."

Naruto, Sasuke and the useless pink girl all assumed lotus position, and thought of the training they had had with Gai that week.

As their minds were cleared of unnecessary thought, the picture came together.

The week had begun with anger and resentment. Kakashi had forgotten them and they had pushed him away.

They'd considered it an unfair trade, having to live with him for an instructor—until they understood what it was like to have Gai in his place.

Gai had been unbearable as a mentor. He'd kept them away from Kakashi, not letting them so much as speak to him or see him.

Still, as things went along with Gai, they found that they knew the most harmony, when they were free of the boundaries that he put around them.

So they had matched his egocentrism and irrationality with insolence.

And even though they missed their teacher, they'd reached the final day of the exchange. It was all but over.

With hell at an end, the bitterness they had felt for their Sensei seemed far away.

They forgave him.

"Alright then! Time to wake up everybody." Gai's douchy voice broke their meditation.

"Now how does everyone feel?"

Team 7 felt oddly peaceful.

"I feel—lighter, inside." Naruto said.

"Yeah, I'm—happier." Sakura said.

"Great, that's how you should feel!" Gai replied, sounding self-righteous as ever.

He then shot a suspicious glare at Sasuke. "And what of you, Sasuke? I hope your pre-teen mood swings are under control."

To everyone's surprise, Sasuke calmly replied "I feel at ease. As suicidal as a week with you could be, it's done. I'm done having to put up with you. And finally, I can look forward. I thank God for that."

Sasuke began to walk away. Gai shook his head. "Well, well, Uchiha, you just can't behave. Maybe you need a spanking and a time out."

Sasuke stopped where he stood. "Oh, did I strike a nerve?" Gai taunted.

Sasuke turned on the spot, throwing his fist into Gai's nose and knocking him to the ground.

He stood over Gai's unconscious body and flatly said "Screw you, pedophile."

Sasuke turned to his team mates, Sakura looking stricken and Naruto ecstatic.

"Alright Sasuke! You kicked ass!" He yelled, putting out his hand for Sasuke to slap.

"Let's get out of here," Sasuke said. "I'm starving."


End file.
